waiting for the storm to clear the air. I am once again perched on the edge of my futon (japanese for instrument of torture),clicking away at my keyboard,which seems to have become my best friend these days :-( My heart is pining for something so far away. In this tropical style of heat my mind is slipping away to an exotic place,my fitful sleep filled with erotic thoughts that would do a teenage boy proud. A country that is totally unusual to me,yet still has parrallels that i had never anticipated now features so heavily in my vision of my future...
This vision that was so ignored,totally left for fate to decide. This vision has waxed and waned in recent months,like never before in my life. I feel like i want something yet i cannot quite put my finger on what it is i want. I know that i have this incredible urge to spread and to grow,to mutiply...MULTIPLY!!! Well i never thought that i would ever seriously consider so sternly,such a stupendously life changing event.
Well i suppose it is what most of us want out of life at some point :-) But this decision is not to be made lightly. Not to be just thrown upon myself (or anyone for that matter). There is one unmissable fact to be contended with...Oh yes i need a woman. Not just any woman but a woman to have the same thoughts and desires as i do. And what is more,this woman must feel this way enough to last a lifetime. When i make a stupid error like forgetting the 12th anniversary (as if i would),coming home drunk and falling asleep on the floor with my arm around the dog (this is is a bit more likely :-) ),Going fishing for a weekend at short notice (ideally i would find a woman that would like to join me).
I think i am asking for the earth?
Or am i?
I have visions of making meals for celebrations,sharing my inner most thoughts (well most of them),making large over zealous gestures for romantic occasions. Of course i realise,perhaps sensibly,that there will be more hard days of torture. Days following sleepless nights,when i would come home expecting to rest my weary mind and body,being accosted by small hands and vioces. Days of stress and worry when something trivial,like a day out at the park,turns into something disaterous for a little one.....
I do not know,but i would like to think i have a balnced mind on my shoulders :-)

Good night xx

Another night of sleep depravation. Oh this heat is totally undesirable. Not condusive to a comfortable kip :-)
It is two in the night....well it is morning really,but my eyes and gaping yawns are both telling me it is night time. Blurred vision and a groggy head both combine to ensure my return to my the pillows will not be too far away. To just lie there !! My mind races,thoughts of passion,desires unrealised,conspiring with the heat to ensure a sleepless rest. I lay like ....hah! To lay would be restfull.... I tumble about like a greek wrestler. Rolling left then right. The duvet is ruffled and sticking to my sweaty legs and torso. I feel the time tick away as the night marches on and the chance of sufficient sleep dwindles away.
Thoughts focus on a foreign place. Humid,wet,sticky. Another head not resting blissfully but living as the day is there. Another language,another life. Every edifice of which is so similar yet born of a mind structured completely differently,a culture with different process of order...??? Am i so sure? I mean if two minds are reaching for the same desires,same goal,then surely these differences of method are just individual minds working in seperate states with the same destination ahead? I am sure that where ever,who ever in this world,we all want the same thing in essence. Peace of mind and security for those closest to us. Sometimes it is hard to reemember that the vast majority of this world we live in just wants to live in peace. We have to look around us and realise every family we see around us is another pod of optimism for the future. After all,the desire for safety and security is there to be seen in every one of them......us!

At last i have worn myself back to a drowsy mind.
Good night goodhearts xx

lofty ideals

Such a silly idea. Such a stupendous idea. I mean,having just one person out of ,well how many of us are there? That one other invidual entity that is the other side of yourself. The yin to your yan. The other mind,running parrallel to yours. The soul that has drifted through time since memorium,destined to eventually meet yours

.....surely not?

Surely there are a plethera of suitable individuals. People that have similar desires and same life requirements. People that you would find it easy to realate to,spend time with,empathise with. Time to laugh and argue. Relate to same responses,similar experience of time passsed by. Empathise when times are hard or things are just not going the desired way.

Surely the things that make the ties that bind?

That one of many?

soulmate? I wonder. I suppose i wish :-)

the big lie in
I open one eye,i can make a quick asessment as to wether or not i am to open the other one....It is daylight,i can hear the blackbirds outside and most importantly my head is not spinning. What a relief!! I open both eyes and lie still for a short while,just in case my body decides to fall back to its' slumber. Not today. Today is a great day,the daylight shines bright through the curtains,the individual shafts of light are visible. I take a deep breath,the air smells clean and fresh. I reach with my palms,pushing with lazy effort. My heels are extended away from me as hard as i can. My lungs just flood with the morning air,full till bursting and pushing at my ribs. I start to breathe out,from my stomach,a weak groan which crescendos to a giant roar.............I am atlas holding up the world,my limbs are taught,flooding with the life of a new day. Rolling over on my bed I see the time. 0613,wow a lie in ! No wonder why i feel so good. Wiping the sleep from my eyes,i can hear the slouch of a steaming hot cup of tea making its' way along the coridor to me. "get up.................cup of tea" Opening my door to gratefuly recieve the vestibule of morning juice an inquisitive nose sniffs the air around my ankles " helo you". I shut the world out again and retire to my tranquil space again. My mind dwells on on freinds and fantasies,nights of laughter and mornings of warmth and passion. It is a new day and i am alive,from finger tips to my toes,i am alive. I wish someone knew it also.

Time to kill
I arrive home from my work. I get an instant barrage of questions upon entering my abode which i duly ignore. My friendly pet is,as always,ecstatic to see me again. This brings a secret smile to my heart,hidden from prying eyes. I open the door of my fridge and survey the empty shelves. Damn it is monday again!! I conjour up a meal fom leftovers and tit bits,all the while my stomach rumbling,my brain disengaged from outside interfence. Solitude in isolation of the senses. I take my meal and seat myself alone and at ease,turn the tv on and wonder why i did that. I ignore the screen and allow my mind to wonder while my conscious self sighs with the appreciation of something nice to taste. I wish on friends far and near,i wish my future would hurry up and find me.
All this time to kill i do not like it. My wishes never granted, my desires left to die. Time to kill is time to ponder,what if when and where...why?? The fool i am i sit and groan about time that passes by. I look back tommorow and wonder again,where did it go and why?

Heat heated hot hotter!!
Stinking sweaty sweltering summer sunshine beating down. Searing heat scotching souls and somethings rude to mention.