A ponderous morning for me. My heart beating hard and slow as i consider what i have done to myself.... I am a great big stupid fool!! My habit of being impulsive and making oversized kind getsures just keeps getting me into emmotional quicksand.
Is this my solitude talking or my desire,i do not know. I am wrangling with the desire to please others and the very real need to please myself. The one which always wins through is winning through again :-( Just open my mouth and say something direct? No more beating about the bush? If only i was such a beast :-)

A bloody great big soft headed fool ! Friend to all and lover of none !
Why wh why why why?

I am alone as usual although tonight i do not feel alone. I have some good company, a decent person who is having a ball. Good manners and ever so considerate if slightly forceful :-) Very attractive and wordly wise also.......

Tick tock,tick tock. Even just a tick out of time or a tock that sounds a little out of shape would break this monotony. It is one of those afternoons when all my friends are doing something and i am redundant. Left alone to just sit here with my own thoughts to digest. It is a good thing really,as after renovating my house for the last 15 months i really need to teach myself how to just do nothing. I mean really do nothing....at all :-) It was something i used to take for granted,the ability to sit down and enjoy the idleness. Now i sit down and an unpainted patch of wall has me running for the filler and paint. I mean,how annoying! There i am sitting in my lovely new (used) sofa just starting to sink into the top layer of memory foam,my heart beat slowing to a life prolonging steady beat,my legs stretching out. Just as my arms lengthen upwards and my toes start to point me into a stretch i see some reason to remind me that i have no time to relax just yet.... All that good work wasted with the swish of a well worn roller brush.
The need to slow down and relax is vastly outweighed by the sense of "the sooner this is done the sooner i can have my life back" so on i trudge :-)