A journey of self discovery....Or self dianosis?
Recent times have found me in a real quandry. Ha! Me in a quandry? Never :-) No but it is true,i have had certain misgivings,well that is what they feel like now,pointed out to me and i am now living so far outside of my usual comfortzone it is plainly not good. I am now unsure of who i really am,what i really am,what i want...no i still know what i want out of my life but my methods must change and sharpish.
Have you ever read a book and felt a resonance with a description of character that induces a feeling so uncomfortable that you have physical symptoms of displeasure or disdain. You want to put the darned book down but you are alone and no one is watching this display of displeasure. This solitude allows you to persist through the barrier of crippling external and internal emmotion to simply read a book!! I am losing it :-)
I suppose that i had a hallelujah moment.
I saw what i have not been looking,seeing for so long.
For far too long i have been scrutinising the wrong aspects of my life,life in general and everybody elses' life. Pointing my lense in the wrong direction. Poking it in the least rewarding places. Sitting comfortably in judgement with rock soild conviction.....
Oh how i squirm now i think of my misplaced ideals.
Having just reached what i thought was a platteaux of self and therefore a good place to jump into something real and rewarding,i find i must go right back to scratch and rebuild a new.
Am i real?
Have i trained myself to lie to myself and worse still believe my own lies?
It is a carousel of torment that i have been riding in moments of private anguish. I thought i was a rock,now i am unsure,insecure and every new question brings fresh doubt and more biting introspection. Struggling to find solid inflexible answers to childlike simple questions.
what do i think about most when i am standing in a queue?
I have discovered,for sure,that i must push my bounderies and extend my comfortzone of life. Once again i find i must do this alone but it could yield great rewards,maybe even the greatest of all. A life less ordinary (that is another long and convoluted post waiting in the wings)

I must learn to look outside of myself for reaction,interaction. I have to stop playing with these toys like 'the internet' as they are a real introverts pleasure trip. I must play with the girls more than the boys for a change :-) I must become a little bit of what i dislike to achieve what i crave. I know whay i am always a friend and never a lover,it is attitude and projection of intent.
I feel so stupid that i did not know this,i mean admit this to myself and with real integrity too. I have always spoke of people as being basically animals with inbuilt social rules of interaction between male and female,friends and foes,peers and underlings :-) So why did i never actually live it? Did i not believe my own words enough?...aaarrgh! there i go again. I must look outside of me,i must look outside of me,I MUST LOOK OUSIDE OF ME!
Oh to reinvent yourself at such a ripe age! Is it prudent? Is it reinvention really or just letting go of an old friend,a facade? Getting to the core of who am i? so i can allow myself to look through the window. I hope to wake up one morning,rub the sleep from my eye,wipe away the condensation from the glass and marvel at the world outside.

sometimes i really do just ramble on :-)