Just a little thing

It is so strange how something so tiny, so insignificant can have such a magnificent effect on the out outcome of things. Take life, mine for example. One day just sitting at home mindlessly chatting, sharing the numbingly usual with the numbingly usual. A sudden innocuous word or more accurately sentence, then a trip of my lifetime.
Wow.
I just love how things string together in any way they please and can change the world. My world.
These things, the little things, they are the stuff of legend. The building blocks of my story. Most of these little things, innocent events, moments of embarresment, will fall by the wayside to be forgotten. After all history is written by the victors. Some little things, an answer to a question, will decide for you the direction of your life. Although just a little thing, upon reflection, is swollen to something povotal. Some story will be told for generations as 'THE STORY' the one to start all others.
Now i am sitting and waiting once again. No longer for the numbingly usual. Eyes cloudy, bodily given to drudgery. But with the exuberence of new life, my senses are keen. I am watching and waiting for the next little thing......

usually i do not know what to write about unless of course i have some proverbial axe to grind. I have found real contentment of late, some peace of mind which has allowed for the longest spell of mindful tranquility in my adult life. Could this be a coming of age or is it reliant solely upon the affairs of my heart? THere is no desire to portray some powerful angst or loneliness heavily laden with self pity. The future is bright and shiny,it always was only now i can see it for what it is,was and probably always will be. I often forget that this world i live in is ocupied by everyone else too. Now,being invloved in another ones' world i see with open eyes what is was only squinting at before. Making bold statements and casting grand conjectures with the kind of security one only acquires from the safety of some inert place. A place of inaction,of no real decision,somewhere only the 'easy option' will ever be excersised.This cowardice,inaction, is just wasted time. Time,about time,to just do.....
God life is so exciting!

A journey of self discovery....Or self dianosis?
Recent times have found me in a real quandry. Ha! Me in a quandry? Never :-) No but it is true,i have had certain misgivings,well that is what they feel like now,pointed out to me and i am now living so far outside of my usual comfortzone it is plainly not good. I am now unsure of who i really am,what i really am,what i want...no i still know what i want out of my life but my methods must change and sharpish.
Have you ever read a book and felt a resonance with a description of character that induces a feeling so uncomfortable that you have physical symptoms of displeasure or disdain. You want to put the darned book down but you are alone and no one is watching this display of displeasure. This solitude allows you to persist through the barrier of crippling external and internal emmotion to simply read a book!! I am losing it :-)
I suppose that i had a hallelujah moment.
I saw what i have not been looking,seeing for so long.
For far too long i have been scrutinising the wrong aspects of my life,life in general and everybody elses' life. Pointing my lense in the wrong direction. Poking it in the least rewarding places. Sitting comfortably in judgement with rock soild conviction.....
Oh how i squirm now i think of my misplaced ideals.
Having just reached what i thought was a platteaux of self and therefore a good place to jump into something real and rewarding,i find i must go right back to scratch and rebuild a new.
Am i real?
Have i trained myself to lie to myself and worse still believe my own lies?
It is a carousel of torment that i have been riding in moments of private anguish. I thought i was a rock,now i am unsure,insecure and every new question brings fresh doubt and more biting introspection. Struggling to find solid inflexible answers to childlike simple questions.
what do i think about most when i am standing in a queue?
I have discovered,for sure,that i must push my bounderies and extend my comfortzone of life. Once again i find i must do this alone but it could yield great rewards,maybe even the greatest of all. A life less ordinary (that is another long and convoluted post waiting in the wings)

I must learn to look outside of myself for reaction,interaction. I have to stop playing with these toys like 'the internet' as they are a real introverts pleasure trip. I must play with the girls more than the boys for a change :-) I must become a little bit of what i dislike to achieve what i crave. I know whay i am always a friend and never a lover,it is attitude and projection of intent.
I feel so stupid that i did not know this,i mean admit this to myself and with real integrity too. I have always spoke of people as being basically animals with inbuilt social rules of interaction between male and female,friends and foes,peers and underlings :-) So why did i never actually live it? Did i not believe my own words enough?...aaarrgh! there i go again. I must look outside of me,i must look outside of me,I MUST LOOK OUSIDE OF ME!
Oh to reinvent yourself at such a ripe age! Is it prudent? Is it reinvention really or just letting go of an old friend,a facade? Getting to the core of who am i? so i can allow myself to look through the window. I hope to wake up one morning,rub the sleep from my eye,wipe away the condensation from the glass and marvel at the world outside.

sometimes i really do just ramble on :-)

Just attempting to write something,anything to pass time. Got several thoughts buzzing about in my mind but dare i share them or speak them out loud? I feel torn between two places right now. Two ideals.
Have you ever met a soul mate? I thought i had once and really still believe it. Maybe not in this life but another we will meet again in more favourable circumstances.
What is a soul mate? Is it someone that makes you feel complete? Makes you feel at ease with yourself? The one person,chance meeting,who when sharing time with you, lifts you both together to become so much more than what you both were alone.When talking together a mutual respect,a non-sexual pleasure dome is entered into.I think i could lose myself in this person for ever. In dreams we meet in different times,less challenging circumstance and life evolves between us,free from constraint.
It is a terrible thing to desire what is out of reach.
With that in mind maybe a compromise is the best way forward.I mean sometimes to get what you want a relaxation of ideals is necessary. It is either that or go without and live an empty,hollow life.
So to my compromise.Is it such a compromise really? A fiery,brave,little cock sure thing.There is not such a mutual meeting of minds but the laughter flows freely.The possibility is there for something spectacular. Demanding and uncompromising but a real driving force. Willing to make decisions on a whim,at a moments' notice,god i love that! I feel this is someone who drinks deeply from the cup of life. A person with relish for anything thrown in her path. It is both intimidating and inspiring to be near her. A person,i would like to think,not so unlike myself. She definitely has 'STAY AWAY,DANGER' stamped all over but maybe that is the attraction? One thing is for certain,i saw her and saw a bit of myself looking back at me.

I feel like i am standing on a precipice looking over what lies beneath me. In the distance below I can see both paths ahead. There are more paths of course,it is these two that hold my interest and excite my mind. One is for the taking and the other is not given as a choice but never the less i can see it winding its way through a possible future. I cannot force through the obstructions as they are not mine,do i wait for time to erode them more and more? Life is fleeting when you look behind. Time catches you up and what was a laid back affair soon becomes a pressing issue. Sometimes desire is just exactly that and reality must be respected.

A breathe of fresh air has blown my way. I mean real air with real scent and definite impact. So far removed from this cyber junk that i have regained my sense of self. I forgot for a while what it was like to really interact with a someone. To react to a someone. To be acted upon and then let fly with the consequences. A strong little black coffee that sneaks into your bed and kicks you in the balls just as you were resting for a short while. A peroxide madam whose personal mantra is "you can always do better (well especially if it is my way!)",comes crashing in from touchdown and leaves a trail of affected lives all the way to departure.A fellow swan who shares the joys of personal achievements,realises the importance of hard physical graft yet enjoys the weakness of indulgence without pangs of overt guilt.......SOOOO Refreshing.
I did not feel that i was left to my self when drinking in the experiences of sight and smell and sound. Truly i felt that there was some similar condition of appreciation for what usually is passed by without a seconds hesitation.Maybe if i am lucky there will be a return to this state of bliss.....watch this space ;-)

A ponderous morning for me. My heart beating hard and slow as i consider what i have done to myself.... I am a great big stupid fool!! My habit of being impulsive and making oversized kind getsures just keeps getting me into emmotional quicksand.
Is this my solitude talking or my desire,i do not know. I am wrangling with the desire to please others and the very real need to please myself. The one which always wins through is winning through again :-( Just open my mouth and say something direct? No more beating about the bush? If only i was such a beast :-)

A bloody great big soft headed fool ! Friend to all and lover of none !
Why wh why why why?

I am alone as usual although tonight i do not feel alone. I have some good company, a decent person who is having a ball. Good manners and ever so considerate if slightly forceful :-) Very attractive and wordly wise also.......